Phone fun with Coach Sampson
2:23am Tuesday -
Hello, EJ, it’s me Coach! Wassup dog!?
Sure I know what time it is! It’s time for you to come with me to Chico State!
Aw c’mon Eric, I can’t coach the Chiclettes without you! You’re my ticket back into coaching, dude. You’ll love Division III hoops…no rules, run n’ gun offense…
What? You say you should of gone to Illinois? I ruined your college career? I took the spotlight away from you? EJ, my man, you’re being way cruel here - it’s all the NCAA’s fault…they hate us Coharie Indians, you know.
Lose your number? Oh don’t be that way….hello?
Hellooo….(click)
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Coach Sampson’s study, 6:23am, Wednesday -
“Hi, Mrs. Washington, it’s me - gonna be again Coach Sampson. How’s the mother of the nation’s tallest 9th grader this bright, shiny morning? Is Othelle there? I wanted to say hello….
I know what time it is, Ma’am, he hasn’t left for school has he? Middle school doesn’t start ’til 8am…
But Mrs. Washington, I’m recruiting Othelle now, to get ahead of the other schools. I figure he’ll be a high school senior about the same time the NCAA allows me back into the coaching game.
What d’ya mean, an ethical coach for your son? I just got caught…well, caught twice…well, I lied, too…but, but…
Mrs. Washington? Hellooooo….
(click)
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Coach Sampson’s study, Wednesday 11:25am -
“Hello, Athletic Director Jones, this is a really great basketball coach who shall remain anonymous calling about your basketball program at New Jersey Institute of Engineering?…
Yes, I noticed the team went 0-29 this past year and I’d like to bring them back to greatness. It’s a specialty of mine…
What? Y’say, you’ve never been great. Your students and alum really don’t care and you only have basketball to fulfill athletic curriculum requirements? That’s PERFECT - just the right situation for me…
Well, for starters, I can recruit real good basketball players. Guys with suspicious transcripts from roundball academies, who’ll be here for a year, tear down your graduation rate, get busted for pot, rape coeds and all the other stuff you’d expect from a quick fix program.
You only recruit really smart engineering students who are athletes second? You’re kidding….aren’t you?
Uh, the NCAA? Sure, I know those scum-sucking pigs who destroyed my life just because I broke a teensy weensy rule…again….and again.
No, this isn’t Coach Sampson…who’s he?
Hello….Director Jones…Hellooo
(click)
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Wednesday, 5:23pm, Coach Sampson’s study -
“Hello, may I speak to a Mr. Sleazy Martin, commissioner of the Northwest United Basketball League?
I am? Great! I’m just the guy to coach in your league! You want tough? You want fire? You want total disregard? That’s me!!
Play against a donkey basketball team? You betcha! A Hooters Girl point guard night? We’ll pack ‘em in Tahoma! Let a fan play in a game? Wow - that’ll thrill ‘em in Billings! That greased pig wrestling is a great idea, too. I’m all about throwing out the rules for the good of the game!
Experience? I have decades - all over the NCAA division 1 map. Rules violations, allegations, zip graduation rates - I’m the total package. Y’ever check that little mess I spawned at Indiana University? Yep…that’s me!
Y’say, your daughter went to IU business school? You went there, too? You’re a Hoosier alum?
What d’ya mean you hate me and what I did to your university?? It’s all show-biz, Mr. Sleazy…
Hello….Helloooo?
(click)